


The Walls of Jericho

by Sarahfreak (TahlJin)



Category: D.Gray-man
Genre: Gen, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-06-06
Updated: 2008-06-06
Packaged: 2017-11-17 05:05:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,677
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/547920
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TahlJin/pseuds/Sarahfreak
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"I don't want you to die" "Too bad. What you want is irrelevant moyashi. You can't save anyone, least of all me!"...He was now being showered by fragments of his tattered walls, he had to leave, escape, before they they all came down around him. Kanda POV</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Walls of Jericho

_

"I don't want you to die"

_

Pulling up his shield of indifference he cut away at their supposed saviour with words as sharp as the innocence he wields, a snarl forming on his face as he frantically scrambled to reassemble the tattered walls in his mind. The very walls that the white-haired menace has been chipping away at since the day they met. Sure they had been slowly (so very slowly) cracking before the beansprout arrived but it never failed to amaze him how 'Allen' (yes he did call him that in his mind when he ran out of insulting substitutes) had this innate ability to zero in on him when he was at his weakest; offering 'kindness', 'support'…and maybe even 'love' to the stoic samurai. That goddamned smile (it never reached his eyes) never ceased to piss him off, that and his instinctual habit of jumping between his comrades and the line of fire

_

"Too bad. What you want is irrelevant moyashi. It will happen whether you like it or not. You can't save anyone, least of all me!"

_

Why had he told him anyway? So what if the brat had seen the lotus when he got lost and barged into his room? That didn't mean he was obliged to tell the 'old-man' why it was there (other then to defend his frequently at least on Lavi's front doubted masculinity). Maybe he was looking for a crutch, someone that would know and understand. All the Black Order exorcists had their own scars and 'dark' pasts but he was the only one he knew that was cursed (like him). Never mind the fact that he found the mix of emotions (confusion, anger, fear, sadness…and hunger? Seriously that beansprout only ever thought about his stomach!) that chased each other around his face amusing as all hell. Even better was his expression, as the explanation tumbled from his a mouth like a dam that had just been broken, the facts communicated in the matter-of-fact clipped tones he was renown (and feared) for. After all, he never wasted time with words, or anything for that matter, especially when his days were numbered by the slowly withering bloom housed, in the cold crevice of a room he used only for sleep.

__

_"Do you want to die?!"_

What in the hell kind of question was that anyway? Of course he didn't want to die. Anyone that was willing to give up on their life so easily was not only a coward but weak. While he grudgingly admitted that the shortie could hold his own in a fight (especially when he appeared to have no formal training in any type of fighting), he just cared too damn much. Every loss, every causality, he took personally. He wouldn't be surprised if the brat has some kind of internal tally of 'all the people I have ever failed' situated neatly in that thick skull of his (there can't be that much room left up there though).

__

_"I don't. I have something I have to do before I die"_

The last thing he was about to do was crumble, crumble when he was so close to seeing the end of the war (thanks to the all-powerful sprout) and finding the person he was looking for. Even if all the akuma the Earl possessed came after him, even if there was only a few petals left and comrades were falling around him (Daisya being the only one he really cared about anyway…stupid finders), he would live until he fulfilled this promise. One stupid boy would not destroy years of quiet suffering and the stubborn refusal to divulge his past or the emotional turmoil he so frequently masked.

__

_"There are people who will miss you when you are gone" (No)_

Now that he seriously doubted. He had made sure that no one, not Lavi (stupid baka usagi), Komui (idiot scientist), Lenalee, or Allen (grrr) had gotten close enough to break that wall between being comrades and being friends. Even if they did penetrate his mental walls one time or another, his trusty defence mechanisms (death glare of doom and Mugen) pushed them back before they could make a place in his world.

__

_"I don't care" (Yes I do)_

And he didn't, or at least that's what he told himself. He didn't care, smile, laugh or love; and he was fine with that. He had been alone his entire life (besides the faint semblance of family he fleetingly recalled). He had no use for these and the weakness that came along with each one. One thing Kanda Yuu was, was not weak and yet the walls of his mind still continued to fray and weather at the edges. Far faster then he could ever hope to repair them.

__

_"Would you care if I died?"_

That made the rapidly whirring gears in his mind grind to a screeching, sudden halt. Would he care if the beansprout kicked the bucket? Just a month or two prior the answer would have been, without hesitation, an abrupt and scathing NO! (With a little Mugen to throat action to emphasise his point). Now he was not so sure.

__

_"Don't flatter yourself Moyashi"_

The beansprout hadn't been with the order all that long and yet the world now revolved around him. He was the great destroyer of time, the youngest exorcist to reach critical invocation, connected with the fourteenth that could control the ark of their enemy and he was only fifteen bloody years old! While Kanda acknowledged that the beansprout was all these things, for him, he was also something a lot simpler…he was the root of all his hassles! As amusing as it was to argue with the sprout (In particular the 'black' Allen as the rabbit fearfully dubbed him) and have another person to threaten/intimidate with Mugen, this white-haired child not only got under his skin in ways no one else had before, he forced Kanda to turn off the primal akuma-killing mode in which he immersed himself on mission and at home. He forced him to think…and then to feel (even if it was only irritation and anger).

__

_"I wouldn't care if you died" (Denial)_

If he was gone, Kanda would no doubt return to how he was before, however, no matter how strong he rebuilt his barrier, not matter how high his defences, there would always be the minute spidery cracks left behind by the moyashi's continual chipping. So, in short, if the sprout met his maker, he would not miss him, but he would (no he would not!) care and that was the problem. He was now being showered by fragments of his tattered walls, he had to leave, escape, before they all came down around him.

__

_"I think you care more than you know" (You're right)_

And that had been the last blow needed to rip the tatters to shred. He could almost see some insane chibi beansprout tearing them apart whilst laughing manically. It wasn't the fact that he actually cared that did it though, (for some time now, probably ever since he pointed his sword at the cursed boys head, he knew that he cared for at least some of the people he continually repelled from his barriers) it was the sheer realisation that his own world had shifted on it's axis (to orbit them) without his notice that really destroyed him. The sprout, rabbit, Lenalee, Komui, General Tiedoll, Marie, Daisya…they had all become (though he was slow to admit…the stupid bookman-in-training had called it denial) a surrogate family. He found himself smiling (smirking!) when they weren't looking, silently enjoying their invasions at breakfast (whilst glaring of course), making promises he couldn't keep (I won't die…so finish the damn mission!) and missing the noise, laughter, and life that came with their presence when they were gone. He was weak now; they (he) had broken him.

__

_"………" (Help Me)_

He felt the snarl waver in his face as the sprout continued to look at him, waiting, for his response. One hand clenched around Mugen, the other in a shaking fist at his side as that blue-grey gaze seared through his being. None of the training that he was so proud of could stop the waves of suppressed memories and emotion washing away the remnants if his walls, his mind laid bare and open like the books the rabbit devoured everyday. Kanda Yuu was broken, and he needed someone else to piece him back together.

__

_"Kanda?"_

The shaking (he has not realised) had spread to his other extremities and his knees turned to jello. Something like surprise (he looked stupid he knew that much) must have flashed across his face as he fell. Waiting for someone (anyone) to catch him, lest the broken shards that made up his mind shatter beyond repair and he lost what was left if himself.

__

_"Kanda!"_

The last thing he remembered was the warmth of another body cushioning the fall between himself and the cold stone ground (the moyashi was going to feel that in the morning). A smaller (warm) hand running though his hair, soothing the shakes from his form and whispering quiet words with no meaning, as his head was shifted into the beansprouts (Allen's) lap. Exhaustion he had not realised existed clawed at the corners of his ragged thoughts that no longer had the luxury of his wall/shield/barrier and he succumbed, for the first (and last) time, into the arms that promised both safety and sanity…to the darkness that he had once feared would consume him. It would take time to rebuild himself, but he was sure that would not be alone ever again. He had his 'family' there to support him, even as the lotus withered along with his lifespan. Now that he had been broken, all there was left to do was piece it all back together and keep moving forward (the stupid beansprout had tainted him more then he originally thought)…he would live.

_

"…Thank…You…"

_


End file.
